Wishing all a happy lunar "meh meh" year!

Reunion dinner would be a simple affair this year with just me, my parents and grandma.
Menu:
Sharks fin
Abalone
Duck with chestnut
Pig intestine soup

I wish my brothers were home and that we are having our usual annual steamboat instead.
And a perfect rainy cool day for steamboat too...

Thanks for bread everyday...

Standing at the bus-stop, rubbing my eyes
I saw a woman with papaya breasts clad in a light pink cotton shirt
nipples bulging from the left and right of her.

Fresh flowers are beautiful while it lasted...
but how soon it withers...

After reading through gpa's blog on casablanca, i realized that perhaps i have always lived in the myth of being in love.
It is true that we'll always have paris but really, i had cared about myself much more.

We have never been humphrey and ingrid.
And i guess we never will.

I hate my heart for feeling pain.

Frankly, i do not love you any less.
I have just hated you more.
As much as i wish to forgive and love you.
Memories would not let me.
But neither can i cease loving you altogether.
Do you know how does that feel?
Any of you?
It has to be one or the other.
Except it is not my choice.
Its never really my choice.

I need a
box
to pack
away all
that was
meaningful
now
and then.
Where to start?
I do not
know.
Perhaps from
the less
dear
til finally
the necklace
and
the ring.

I think
a box
would not be
enough.

It has been so easy to get angry these days.
And after all these months, there are still so many things i could not let go.
I still blame her for intruding.
I still blame you for leaving.
I still blame you for hurting me.
I still blame you for letting her hurt me.
I still blame you for not caring about what it meant to be together.
I still blame you for not being satisfied with me.
Perhaps too i blame myself for not satisfying you.
But more than anything, i blame myself now for not being able to forgive.

I don't want to live life feeling insecure.
I don't want to be with what i cannot trust.
Cannot be with what i cannot believe in.
Cannot be.
I would not live life always wondering when the next betrayal would come from you.
Always fearing.
Always second guessing.
Always unsure, uncertain, unappeased.
Would you?

What are the things that matter when two people are together?

love?
care?
concern?
consideration?

What about..
honesty?
commitment?
trust?
faith?

Can you have some and not others?
Can you have everything but lack trust?

What would you have?

Watched 8 mile last night.

I couldn't really tell what they were rapping. But judging by the chinese subtitles, it must have been pretty hilarious.

Watched Hero today.

Good visuals but so.. so... drama!! So much so that i couldn't help feeling that it's quite corny. It isn't surprising that other people around me were sniggering when tony leung got stabbed for the third (or is it fourth) time... Some guy behind me said," Poor tony, looks like he only need to stand there to get stabbed".

Hmm. Very drama, very arty, precision down to the last details on its cinematography.
But hardly impressive plot, dialogue and characters.

Courtesy from vaya's blog (wonders how such things spread...)

Elven Name Possibilities for Alice Lee
The root name suitable for feminine and masculine is:
Waensiw�
Another masculine version is:
Waensiw�ion
More feminine versions are:
Waensiw�iel
Waensiw�ien
Waensiw�wen

Geez... i cant even _begin_ to pronounce them...

The old one broke and the new one tarnished so easily.

Would you used a mended porcelin bowl to hold noodles?

Aiya. Fish lah.

Watched LOTR finally and i am not sure i really liked it. I still can't get over how Faramir was portrayed, contrary to the book. As well as the discrepancy regaring the Ents. For one, i thought Faramir's resistance against the temptation of the ring (in the book) was an important part (perhaps small part) of the book. He has withstood what his brother has failed. Perhaps it seems a minor point, but i felt that the fact that Faramir was likewise tempted but still able to resist the one ring demonstrated perhaps that there is still good in man to warrant the salvation of middle-earth. Unfortunately, the movie has this smack of heroism and hollywood bravado lingering all over it. So if not for the hobbits, Faramir would have succumbed and somehow, that did not rest easy with me. Likewise Treebeard's sudden turnabout decision to join in the war against Sauramun, after witnessing the devastation of the trees (carefully engineered by *surprise surprise* two hobbits) showed another deviation from the book which does nothing but seek to elevate the role (or perhaps importance) of the hobbits in the story. I thought in the book, the Ents did realized that they are part of the whole fabric of being, which was why Treebeard managed to persuade the other Ents to join him. Everyone had a role to play in Tolkien's story but the movie delegates that responsibility to the selected few. I admit the visuals were stunning and there were some clever condesation of the original book into a 3 hour movie. I even liked Frodo's character development and of course, the gollum. But pardon me, if i have my little grouses, perhaps i am just being too fussy.

There are several stray cats outside my house. I think they have been there for a while and i remember seeing them as kittens. They appear usually in the night and mainly around the kerb near the drain beside my house. Occasionally though, they do show up in funny places. One was resting on the bonnet of my dad's car, warming its tummy against a cooling engine. Another was grooming itself on the ledge next to my neighbour's gate pillar. And most recently of late, they have been gathering and sitting at the bus-stop outside my house, either having a snooze or just watching the traffic passing by. It is strangely serene to see three cats (2 sitting on the bench, 1 below) sitting side by side with other human passengers, waiting for the bus.

17/1/03

Work day ended quite dramatically during a meeting with a parent, thankfully everything was resolved somewhat before i left for the weekend. Parents are back from china and dad has been my steadfast chauffeur for the last two days.

Had to rush for his cousin's wedding at grand copthorn hotel. I must say i have never been to a wedding with nicer atmosphere. While the food was not bad, what really stood out was the elegant decorations. There were flower arrangments everywhere, candles and ice pillars, as well as a live jazz band/singer. I guess the staff went all out since the groom is one of the managers there. The happy couple has 4 wedding albums at least and this was the first time i saw a wedding album where the bride wore a bikini (some shots were taken in a bintan resort). Quite a funky couple. I have attended their ROM at sentosa beach last year as well, and she was wearing a sundress while he was in berms and hawaiian shirt. The hotel also have a nice ballroom where there was a big glass wall overlooking a small garden and pavilion behind the stage. It has a very coordinated theme on the whole and i think everyone enjoyed the wedding tremendously.

After the wedding, decided to meet up with the girls at sound bar for a drink and chat session. As i was quite early, i took a walk around the place because i seldom had the chance to go to that part of muhd sultan. While walking pass the glass panels at simplybread, i was invited by the bakers for a short tour inside. Anyway since i needed to pass the time and the bakery looks interesting, i didn't really mind. Pretty nice people in general and they were telling me about the various bread around (even offered some but too full from wedding dinner *heh heh*). Well, at least i had something to do while waiting for the girls and it is interesting meeting people you don't usually have a chance to talk to. Maybe next time i go buy bread i will get a discount. *chuckles*

After a really nice chat with the girls, we shared a taxi home together. When finally, i was the only one left in the cab, the driver remarked that we must all be still in school. I asked why and he said it was because we talked like giggly little girls (which was true) so he was alittle surprise when i told him we have passed the mid20s (ouch ouch). Then he half-scoldingly told me, that i should be more mature and careful, and how could i have forgotten to bring my house keys (he overheard me telling the girls). While i was trying to explain that it was because i usually have the car keys and house keys are attached to car keys and i seldom not have the car etc etc, he told me that i should have the keys separated in the first place and gave me rather good advice on that too. Guess he thought i ought to be more "mature" because of my age. *laughs* Anyway, he meant well and was really nice because he waited for someone to open the gate for me (waited for about 5minutes before anyone woke up at home) before driving off.

Well, certainly an evening of interesting chance encounters and it was quite memorable in its own way. Guess it was a really nice evening on the whole.

Three little cats sitting at the bus-stop.
Still waiting for the bus?

Need to watch LOTR soon.
I must be one of the last few people who has not watched.

New developments and new considerations.
Suddenly i am faced with the prospect of leaving again.
This time perhaps to perth for my phd.
Everyone has been supportive, regardless of what i choose.
Yes.
How will i choose...

Two white cats sitting side by side
at the busstop,
waiting for the bus?

The divinity lot says that the person i am waiting for is not going to turn up.
Why doesn't that make me stop waiting?

it hurts to carry
rocks
little ones
big jagged ones
tied up in a
delicate little
red silk pouch.
oh yes.
right here.
running downhill
it presses against you
cuts and grinds.
take a deep breath...
look.
its dust.

Some days are crazier than others.
How do one remain sane when stuck right in the midst of chaos?
I guess it is the start of the new year.
Well one week later anyway...
I am fumbling around wondering what should i be doing this year.
Oh yes, another little existentialist self discussion.
More why am i here... what am i suppose to do...
Geez.
Am i turning 27 soon?
27?
No kidding.
When did that happen? Did i miss it?
People around me are becoming older too but they didn't seem so.
I don't feel so either.
Has a whole generation of people just finally decide to stop growing all together?
Or is it just my little warped perception...

I want to be somebody.
I want to look back at myself and be somebody.
Perhaps i should stop asking questions and starting doing...
Perhaps i should start by not saying perhaps...

I am going to be somebody.

Watched The Cat Returns yesterday. A pretty simple story with simple drawings. I guess a number of people cannot help but compare it with the other animations from the same studio... but i liked it. Its cat nirvana once again.

The people at the back of my house is reconstructing their house. I used to have a clear view at my balcony because i stay on the 3rd floor and their house only have 2 storeys. Unfortunately they are building another floor to their existing house which meant there goes my view! Feeling really upset about it. I hate the feeling when you look out your window and all you see is someone else's room. I need space! Ok ok. I will stop complaining about it really since i am quite lucky. At least my side window has clear view of sky and not much buildings (on good nights, i get to see part of national stadium). Yes yes i know. At least i have space. So what the heck am i upset about? geez. Damn xiao jie.

First person i kissed this year... him.
First person i got angry with this year... him.

Like an illness, i carried over everything else over the new year threshold.

This cough is driving me crazy.

one torn between two
three tossed sleepless in the night
unwilling to move

I drove around for almost two hours last night after sending my brother off at the airport.
I wore a yellow tshirt with a white collar and jeans.
I liked how i looked.

I ate half a bag of ruffles potato chips and a packet of chocolate milk while driving.
Listening to the radio, i saw strange sights.
An giant electric palm tree glittering after midnight.

I had nothing to do and nowhere to go.
I want to see someone.
Except i couldn't.

Ruski will turn around and meow
whenever i call his name.

31/12/02

Another surprising phonecall, thank you.

Realization no. 49:

It has been a really serious consideration.

My cat finally knows his name!
I can start calling him Ruski!

I wanted to start the brand new year afresh.
I thought it would be different somehow after the clock struck midnight
but after standing on this side of the new year and looking back
i realized that i have not gone anywhere.

"Give it a month."

Somehow i dont think it would make a difference.
I carried all my burdens with me.
And the new year is after all,
just another year.

New year's eve was spent with some good friends on sentosa in our berms and bikinis.
We had wine and good company, and the fireworks were spectacular.
It was a nice way to welcome the new year i guess, though it was a long walk into sentosa.
Thanks for the company guys!

Happy new year 2003 everyone!!!